For about the last 18 years I have had a quote on my fridge that says that the definition of chronic discontent is that for every want that is satisfied, a new one is born.
The fact that I don’t usually think of myself as a prideful person is evidence that I am, in fact, a prideful person. When I read that quote, I think things like, “I’m doing ok because I don’t really want anything.” A new house, new car, clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc., etc., don’t really excite me. So I think I’m doing pretty good.
For the past months, weeks and now days I have been watching the runway of life as I have known it for nearly 19 years grow shorter and shorter for my Tiger Cub (my third born). There were times in the fall when college searches were ongoing I’d find myself in my car with tears streaming down my face, trying to figure out “how in the world is this” actually going to happen? What will life be like without her here every day? She lights up a room. She is joy in the mornings. She takes time to ask me about my day. She “sits a while” even in her business, and she listens. She works hard at the things she sets her hands too, knowing that most of them will never, ever be noticed (not in this life anyway). She’s teeny tiny. She gives more than she takes. I am amazed by her. And now, our every days will be coming to an end. I’m better about the car crying. Time passing does nice things. Not that I don’t cry, I just use a few less tissues now.
My chronic discontent, I have discovered, is not about things. It’s about what I think I need for this transition to take place in a way that I can handle. It’s about wrestling with uncertainty. It’s about not trusting God with her life from here on. It seems like it would be so much easier if I could just place her in ‘tangible’ hands, rather than just place her into openness. For the past 18+ years she has finished everything she has done with a huge exclamation point – not just a period. And something about releasing her into a huge question mark scares me. That right there is significant because since when has God been a question mark? It’s really not things that I don’t “brain know,” but things that I have to “heart walk.” What adds to the wackiness of this emotional chaos is that as excruciating as it can be at times, it’s a “heart walk” I really do WANT to take – I really do. I WANT her to be and do and experience every single thing God has for her. I WANT to walk the walk that is necessary so that I can release her to walk hers. There is not one part of me that would want it any other way. Not one. It is exactly right.
The entire year has been a “heart walk” for me. Applications, essays, decisions, movement in one direction – without God’s peace; and His gracefully redirecting – with His peace. Struggling within and without to force things to happen only to have God reset our path and lay them out completely – requiring little to no effort on our part.
I desire more than life itself for my (tiny) Tiger Cub to be as spiritually grounded as an 18-year-old can be so I can freely open my hands and blow her out like a feather in the wind. I had to close the door on one of my deepest desires for her to be a part of a two-week program that would further her spiritual awareness in preparation for her new life ahead. This training would provide tools that as her mother were crucial for me to be able to place in the corner of her “life suitcase”. After applying, we got word back that the sessions were full. The opportunity missed. Now there would be an empty spot in her suitcase. A hole that was supposed to have something in it, but now didn’t. But God, knowing my wrestling heart, and my need to be wooed by His graciousness, miraculously made a way. He made a place for her. He made His way – letting me know as only He can that He is watching over her. He cares about what I care about. He cares about her. Deeply. And He cares about me. And now, her “life suitcase” will have everything in it that I believe God has asked me to tuck inside. That’s what I give back to my King for having trusted me with her life for this season. Now, it will be between her and God where and how she unpacks that “life suitcase” and what she does with its contents.
As is so often the case, God humbles. Through my “heart walk” He is working on my chronic discontent. He is showing me that I don’t need things to happen a certain way in order to handle life’s transitions. The only thing I need is to trust Him. He is omniscient for goodness sake. He KNOWS EVERYTHING. And He is the ONLY one who ever can or ever will. He is omnipotent; with infinite power, incalculable strength. And He is omnipresent; everywhere at the same time; with you now and with me now, at the exact same time. Totally unlike man. God is not a question mark.
I think that I shall end this day with the following prayer; and begin tomorrow with it as well; and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that. You may have heard the first part of it, but read through. I believe it will lift the weight of discontent.
God, give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace. Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that You will make all things right, if I surrender to Your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen?
Relinquishing 